As you certainly noticed, my posting has gone down in volume for the last couple weeks.
I'm truly sorry about that, but you see, my back is frickin' killing me. The human hero in The Terminator – Kyle Reese, played by the indefatigable Michael Biehn – said that "Pain can be controlled." He said it kinda tough and cool, and it got him laid. But I know he was frontin', cause I know he never had an old back injury. Yeah – pain can be controlled; but preferably with some damn powerful drugs.
For those of you who don't know why the apparently sedentary Metropolitican has such a serious back problem, let me tell you. A long time ago, in a boarding school far, far away, I was once pretty athletic. It wasn't because I was a jock or particularly health-conscious, though. My school had required sports, and it just turned out that I got into swimming and water polo playing. I wasn't the best, but I didn't totally suck, either. I was also the only brown spot in the pool. Man – water polo be whiiiiiite, dude.
Anyway, during the off season – in the spring – I would do other sports. One of the ones I tried was crew. This is the sport in which 8 men in a long, thin boat row together until they feel like throwing up. You can't see where you're going, because your back faces front, and the training to get in the boat – which itself ain't no picnic, but at least you're moving – is miserable. I don't know why I did it. At the time it looked cool. And here was another white, East Coast boarding school sport that I had never scene at home. Again, one of only a few brown spots on the team. I was in boat 7, which meant that I was a total scrub. But at least I wasn't the last boat, where the "girlie men" rode. OK, I am being a dork and a dick; but at least I wasn't in the last boat. Whew.
Looks like not much has changed, if this picture of a crew team from my
alma mater in 2002 is any indicator. Some pretty preppy WASPy guys
and one brown dude. There's an Asian guy in there, too. But finding
preps of color on a crew team is apparently still very much like
a really easy round of Where's Waldo? Hehe.
Anyway again, in the course of a race, I "caught a crab," which means that my oar got got in the undercurrent and pulled under. Since all of the people pull in rhythm on sliding seats, I got out of sync and when I got my oar back under control, I moved back too quickly and jammed my back into the front of the oar held by the guy behind me. Right into the base of my back, people. As E.T. so cutely understated, "Ouuuuch."
I was in extreme pain for months, popped prescription muscle relaxants and painkillers like M&M's, and generally lived a life of extreme torture. Sometimes I just moaned myself to sleep. My roommate at the time didn't like that.
So ever since then, when I get fat and lazy from lack of exercise, my back cramps up. Last time was a couple years ago. This time is KILLER. I'm actually mostly recovered, except that one nerve or muscle in there continues to want to give me excruciating pain. I want to kill the muscle and excise it with a penknife and eat it on rye bread to show it that I am indeed in charge, but I think that would probably cause only more damage. So I leave it and am trying to get by with over-the-counter drugs.
I am getting better, and am already exercising again. I've also lost 10 lbs. So don't worry – I am going to be a better, healthier person soon. But for right now, life is sucking.
I will be posting more soon. I even missed my chance to try and sneak into the Hines Ward press conference, which I think I am just wily enough to have succeeded in pulling off. But I have been lying around in a haze for days, and didn't realize that the conference was probably today until too late. Had I had my wits about me, I would've been at the front door of Lotte Hotel in a suit and backpack, patting myself down with a quizzical look on my face, telling the girl guarding the door in pretty convincing Korean, "I swear that press pass is in a pocket here somewhere."
But I am only dreaming of ripping that muscle out of my back Predator-style and raising my claws in bloody victory at the sky. Rrrrrrowr!
