Scribblings of the Metropolitician

What Korea Really Wants

Sometimes satire is what really "speaks a thousand words." Forget about pictures.

You can skip over one of my overly loooong and winding explications on such issues and get so much out of just one Yangpa article. I found this shit as biting as it was hilarious. Please forgive me for palming off the picture to put on my own site, but it's so BAM! Here's a link to the original post touting a "Super Whitening Cream" made by the company "Eurocentrica."

Forget the plastic surgery, pathological obsession with English, and the blind aping of nearly every white, upper-class trend in American culture, or the converse infatuation with all aspects of black culture sans actual black people! Now you can just erase away the physical evidence of your Koreanness completely (except for the wearing of Red Devil shirts on game day)! Unfortunately, side effects, according to "Eurocentrica," include:

    * Sudden cravings for milk and cheese
    * Tendency to vote Republican
    * Desire to watch hockey
    * Inexplicable waves of guilt

Funny stuff ya got over there, Yangpa people.

The Monster Cometh

I looked into the eyes of The Beast and laughed.

I also grimaced, cheered, got teary, then guffawed in the strangest places. Like my favorite Korean film – nay, let me say one of my favorite films, period – Flander's Dog, what is being called The Host in English (괴물 or "Monster" in Korean) is simply a difficult movie to categorize. His subsequent movie, with which many readers will be much more familiar – Memories of Murder – was also equally a genre-bender; it wasn't merely a murder mystery, a suspense thriller complete with satisfying ending (the murderer was never found, making this an interesting historical incident to focus on in the first place), nor was it just a trip down nostalgia lane, which is what many Koreans experienced when they watched the film's vivid depictions of a Korea stuck way back in the 1980s, when it was much more rough around the edges, with a country, rustic, yet warm familiarity and informality that piqued the childhood memories of many middle-aged Koreans who went to see the film.

Whew. Run-on sentence alert! But I like it as it is, so I'll let it stand.

Anyway, I had to get permission to tell this tale, as director Bong Joon Ho's "Monster" is still top-secret. I was told not to describe the monster's appearance or attributes in any way, lest the movie lose some of its thunder. But I will say that I don't want to talk about the monster, anyway.  There's no need to, since the movie's not really about the monster.

And that's all I'm gonna say about that. Still – is this a surprise? Flander's Dog had a plot centered around dogs in an apartment complex, yet the movie really wasn't about dogs. In fact, they were incidental to the main narrative and emotional underpinnings of the story. Memories of a Murder wasn't really about the murderer or the victims themselves. It was about exposing certain social fissures and rich points of life as it was back then – yes, all stirred up and swirling  in motion around the ripple effects of the murders going on then, but movie didn't even try to speculate as to who the murderer might have been or the eerie fact that they were never satisfactorily solved. Had the easy Jack the Ripper parallel been made, we surely would have been treated to an image of a shadowy figure – he could be anywhere, you know?! – walking off camera into the crowd, sort of like Hannibal Lecter at the end of Silence of the Lambs, when our favorite fava bean feaster announced that he was going to "have an old friend for dinner."

No, the new movie isn't any different, so it should be not surprise to you to hear that the movie named "Monster" is not really about...the monster. If this were the Korean equivalent of Godzilla, I'd be running for the hills, and not out of fear, but rather the loathing that I have started to feel for the melodramatic, overwrought, and overdone Korean blockbusters that have started being produced, in cookie-cutter fashion, out of Korean production houses.

This movie's just plain innerestin', dear readers. You've got the slice-of-life, real-people-in-the-world view of Korean life and culture, some incidental and sometimes countervalent, yet never annoyingly obvious social commmentaries (well, maybe once – tell me if you notice where that is), and a whole heapin' helpin' of getting to watch ordinary people do the wackiest – yet somehow humane and utterly believable – things when under the extreme duress posed by...the monster.

Which brings me to the subject I'm supposed to leave alone. Let me just say that it's not a gimmick, it's not a walking social allegory – it's a...monster. When I first heard about the movie, I instantly and instinctively jumped into analytical mode, thinking that maybe this would be like Godzilla to Japan – a walking, fire-breathing allegory for the nuclear victimization that the Japanese experienced in the twin fireballs of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, a pain that was being re-experienced via a baby lizard that got muta-metamorphosized by American nuclear tests into the mean, green embodiment of postwar victimology that we like to watch throw down with King Kong, Ghidrah, or Mothra on lazy Sunday afternoons.

Them Japanese! They so craaazy!

Needless to say, I was way off the mark. There's no real blame – well, not much – nor implicit social satire, connected to the monster's existence. However, the movie does what his previous movies have – which is to look kinda cockeyed at certain aspects of Korean society; it's not preachy, nor is it overt enough to be noticeable. Still, the director gets a few "jabs" – nay, just "pokes" – in there, at a variety of characters in Korean society.

America doesn't escape getting poked pretty hard in the first scene, but I think it gets interesting and unexpectedly balanced by another plot point that makes for an interesting mixture of "pokes" and "jabs" when combined with the many others. If you are the kind of American who finds yourself, deeply offended every time somebody takes a critical shot at the US, you might find yourself grumbling in your seat during the opening scene; if you're a good sport and take it along with all the other sticking and moving that the director does, touching on a variety of places in Korean society, you'll easily forget that first 30 seconds and take it with the sense of humor and grain of salt that it needs to go down smoother.

One little treat that I enjoyed – and also offers itself as a strangely random connection to Silence of the Lambs, which I gratuitously threw in an image for above – was the surprise appearance of Paul Lazar in this film in a role that I'll let you relish all to yourselves (the picture below comes from another film). His appearance really reminded me of the performance I starkly remember from Silence of the Lambs, which added a peculiarly funny-yet-creepy flavor to an otherwise dead-serious film. In slight contrast, his role in The Host comes off as creepy-yet-funny, which is a great fit in a film that is at times as hilarious as it is dark.

I love this guy. And that picture's (from a movie I haven't seen but want to called The Debt) hilarious. When I saw him in Bong's film, I felt an instantly closer connection to Bong's sense of humor and the reason I like his films. That guy's great for the role he played. Again, I'll let you see for yourself.

Obviously, you might be finding this little "review" frustrating in that it's so non-specific. I myself can't tell really whether I'm writing a "review" or simply a booster piece for the film. I can say that I liked it a lot and highly recommend it, along with his other major films – Flander's Dog (you might also search by the "official" English title, A Higher Animal) and Memories of a Murder – which I suggest you see before seeing this one. If you're gonna pick between the two, I'd suggest you take your wallet out to a DVD store and buy the doggie flick.

A lot of Koreans missed the first one, or said they were "bored" by it; every single foreign-body I've shown it to found it fairly-to-frickin' fascinating. I'm pretty sure you will as well, which is why I'm suggesting you go out and just buy the film. Since Flander's Dog has been on discount for such a long time, it might not cost much more than you would spend to rent it, anyway. And this film is on top rotation in my collection, so it's worth the money as a stock flick for company – it's something most people never heard of, it's damn good and they thank you for introducing it to them, and it's also something I don't mind watching again and again. I was also happy that it was one of the first Korean DVD's to be put on disc in anamorphic widescreen, which means it looks damn good, even blown up on my 100" screen. Niiice.

As for "the monster" in the summer flick in question, I will definitely be watching it in the theaters, even though I've seen it several times on both my own big and the studio's small screens. It's worth dropping some cash on, especially since I think a Korean audience will be quite responsive to a lot of the movie's scenes and themes.

I have been in a dark room with director Bong's Monster, and lived to tell the tale. And what a tale it is. Bong Jun Ho is one director who's still in major effect, ya'll.

Korea Herald, Whattup?

I hate to confirm what everyone says about the laxity of English-language newspapers, but The Korea Herald still has no info on the World Cup as of 8:20 10:25 (!) in the morning on a work day.

Guess they were too busy cheering to update their newspaper. The Korea Times and English-language Joongang, the other English dailies, and even blogs such as The Marmot's Hole have reported the facts of the matter. Dang! The #1 English-language newspaper? Really?

To use the words of the venerable Cartman: "Hella weak, dude."

Teaching about the Land of White Folks

Thanks, Gordsellar, for the comments that inspired this post.

So, are you a white instructor of some sort with the enlightened goal of trying to break the idea that "real" Americans are as white as patterns of hiring for English teachers would make it seem, coupled with the nearly all-white media that gets filtered into Korea, namely on television and movies? With the exception of music videos and a few other, non-threatening major Hollywood stars who happen to be non-white (e.g. Denzel Washington, Will Smith, Halle Berry) – most "good" images of Americans happen to be that of what Benjamin Franklin called the "lov'ly white." Read on to help broaden out your media selections and liven up them classes!

People ask me all the time how "real" black people live in the US. Most Koreans find it difficult to believe that I've never been mugged, only seen a gun not on a cop once in my life, and that all black folks don't wear the hip-hop duds sported by 18-year-olds on MTV. Isn't that scary? Let me say this another way to drive the point home:

Most Korean people find it surprising to see representations of black people that doesn't show them dancing, singing, playing a sport, being funny, or getting shot. It's not surprising, given the nature of American media itself and how much white Americans are scared of colored folks, but it still feels kinda funny.

At a recent academic conference here in Korea about racism in America, focusing on the mishandling of things around Hurricane Katrina, I was the only black person in the audience. People were also astounded to hear me give, during the Q&A session, feedback in Korean about what the other grad students might add to their paper, for example, not taking such a narrow and singular disciplinary approach and that it's ok to use other interpretive frameworks. Whew. Yes, I delivered that all 1) in public, and 2) in pretty decent Korean. I prefaced my comments with "As an African-American scholar..." I don't think anyone had ever heard an African-American scholar speaking in Korean at an academic conference in Korea before.

So I do this to make a point, which is the advantage that being able to situationally switch my identity – which is something everyone does, by the way, to some extent, although not everyone does it "racially" as so-called "mixed race" people tend to have the option to do – to help steer how my people are represented. Inevitably, I have the choice to represent black folks wherever I go, especially in Korea. Mine is still a small voice in a chorus of negative images, since most of what you see in the entertainment media and the news about black folks isn't necessarily "positive" in then end.

Given the way I am usually seen as racially ambiguous these days, I could easily get away with passing not for black to some extent. But I make the choice to do so for the same reason that I check "Black" when the census man last came to my door. Oakland needs as many black folks as possible for the district I was in, I have always identified as Black, and it was politically "useful" to my peeps. For me, a person who doesn't really feel that identifying in terms of fractions has any meaning (e.g. "I'm 1/8 Cherokee, 1/4 German, 1/2 blah blah blah"), checking off multiple boxes that includes Black means that I may or may not get counted toward that group. And frankly, I think African-Americans in Oakland need the representation and funding and whatnot more than say Korean Americans; as if I'd get counted as Asian/Pacific Islander anyway.

So my point is that I feel the need to represent in certain contexts. And since I am teaching a course called "Understanding American Culture," I have a lot of pressure to cover quite a bit. So what do I do? I take the "social problem" approach. According to certain ways of thinking in the social sciences – specifically sociology – one of the best places to look is where the societal values and practices come into conflict and fissures become present; it's where you actually see some "action" happening in the society and can come to understand it by means of a sort of reverse engineering: when you inspect where values and norms are violated, you then come to understand what they are in the first place.

Before I came to inherit this course, it was taught and caught inside a reductive definition of "culture" – set up in terms of cultural items and practices, comparing Korean "Thanksgiving" (chuseok) to its American counterpart, as well as other things that were mostly concrete customs and practices. To my mind, I couldn't see the students learning much of anything new about who Americans are, how they think, and what they value, all topped off with a little bit of history.

In this way, a critical point of view – critical defined not in terms of "bashing" but in terms of placing things into a real analytical framework. And for Korean students who tend to lean a little left-of-center and in some cases "anti-American," a critical view is one they take to well. The funny thing is that once they get an explanation instead of why certain things happen in American society, they are able to see that similar social forces and interests result in Korea's own particular social problems. I give them theory within which to ground the particular examples I look at – and I think it goes a long way to explaining who the hell Americans are and what motivates them.

For example, lots of Koreans think that the American school system is perfect, is a model for the world. In a way, they're right – in terms of pedagogy. The theory of American education, which doesn't pooh-pooh asking questions (and before my education department friends jump down my throat by talking about all the reasons students in America might feel unable to freely speak out, I beg them to take a trip into a standard Korean high school), encourages students to speak up, values individual achievement. But the American problem lies in allocation of resources, not in teaching style. Exactly the opposite is true in the Korean case.

So I use an excerpt from Jonathan Kozol's classic, somewhat muckraking work Savage Inequalities, which not only lays down the basics of what structural problems plague the American education system, but also paints a frustrating and even heart-wrenching picture of some of the kids who literally have no chance at all in our society and know it from the beginning of their difficult lives. When Korean students read this, they are usually shocked; isn't America perfect? What's going on here?

In taking a look where values and practice clash or break down, I don't at all feel I'm giving an "unbalanced" view of American society; I feel that my critical view is but a chip off an iceberg of notions about America as perfect, omnipotent, and "advanced." When Korean students see this confirmed through a movie such as Lean on Me (I wanted to do some Stand and Deliver, but it's not available on DVD in Korea), they actually see several windows in on American society and match that against the other stuff they're learning: race, class, city government, the fact that American public schools are as inanely bureaucratic as Korean ones.

It humanizes the abstract concept of "America" and importantly – in addition to subtly – places America into a position as a real place that is inherently "like" one's own; add on the fact that students really get the ideas that 1) they never really understood America except on a superficial level of pop culture and mass consumption, and 2) that "America" as a concept is nothing more than an amalgamation of real places, people, and problems – just like "us."

One of the biggest reasons people idealize – and therefore tend to fail to connect with – the notion of America is because it is so often represented as the land of the civilized, rich, powerful, and comfortable. Yeah, yeah – I know there's a lot of superficial "anti-Americanism" that gets expressed in very public ways here, but even that is 1) laced with a good dose of guilt and envy in addition to indignation over the specific perceived slight or complaint, which goes away after a few months, and 2) even that criticism or anger tends to be quite compartmentalized away from deeper notions of the place, i.e. many (younger) people hate some abstract idea of America, but how many would turn down a chance to live there? This is the fundamental contradiction.

I really get the feeling that my attempt to tell students that "anti-American" really doesn't have any meaning in a culture that is so caught up in the American project – I get the feeling that this approach works. I really do. One of the reasons that this works is that I approach my teaching of American Studies in a critical way. It's not anti-American, but rather simply critical. This works with a lot of Korean students because 1) it's more in line with their generally critical and suspicious sentiments about the USA in the first place, 2) I present both the "good" and the "bad" as things belonging to the same rubric, 3) this approach means that much of the material I present to them is brand-new (even the many of my Waedae students who've lived overseas), and 4) most of the materials I present also come with some of my theoretical framework that can also be used to criticize any culture, even their own.

So most of the examples I use in class I also present along with an example from Korean society. This helps in that not only is it a more familiar example, but since there are always differences between two things in different societies and cultures (say, for example, debates over education reform, which in the US generally take place around the concept of inequality and structure, whereas in Korea, this is not as much of a problem as pedagogy and reform of educational style), the places where the overlap falls apart helps explicate the places of commonality.

Ya feel me?

In any case, to the point of examples. If you are going to represent America with media or other examples, I suggest thinking about using critical and non-standard examples – something that shows cracks and fissures in the culture – because you see where things come together when you are looking at where they come apart. It's part of the same picture. Like me and the census man or in the conference – you represent America with the choices you make.

You might also find a lot more places where Koreans can connect. In any case, you're not discriminating against the white man in not showing Friends, people; all of your students have watched more hours of Friends than God ever intended and many probably own the complete DVD set. If you pull out The Bernie Mac Show, trust me – no one has every really watched that show in Korea, save the single strange student who watches AFN Korea with a scary kind of religious fervor.

COMEDY TV  SHOW – BERNIE MAC
Korean students have all seen Friends as (questionable) parts of English education. How about The Bernie Mac Show? It shows real situations, is a a sitcom, and was a #1 show for a long time. Too much black slang, say you? How much weird "Friends slang" is there, on top of other general slang that instructors often take the time to explain? Why are people so concerned with a "Black accent" when Aussies and Kiwis – bless their hearts – are sometimes barely intelligible by even me, a native speaker of English?

SLICE OF LIFE – BARBER SHOP
Want to show a "slice of life?" This was also a #1 movie for weeks, has a nice balance of comedy and a little serious drama, and shows a slice of real life that is more "real." Anyone ever wonder how the characters in Friends can even find, let alone pay the rent on those nice apartments with their pretty low-income (in NYC) jobs? How does Carrie on Sex in the City pay for her clothes, drinks, and apartment as a...a...writer?! Which is more realistic – barber shop conversation in the city or paying a $2000 a month as a magazine columnist?

LIGHTHEARTED SOCIAL CRITIQUE – HAROLD AND KUMAR, DUDE!
Marijauna. Drug culture. Legalize? Asian Americans! A little racism. Stereotyping. Work life. What real people do to pass the time – highways, drive-thrus, watching TV in da crib. Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, dudes! It's also interesting because I think of it as the first true commercial arrival of Asian Americans in film. I don't think much of that pretty indie-feeling, heavy film Better Luck Tomorrow; in Harold and Kumar, we get Asian Americans who get to be Asian American, yet it's not the source of the humor itself (mocking, Long Duck Dong stuff) nor is it completely ignored (liked most of the de-raced Asian Americans that pop up in small roles here and there, such as in Bring It On).

DIRECT SOCIAL CRITIQUE AND CREATIVE USE OF LANGUAGE – MARGARET CHO AND/OR CHRIS ROCK
A few excerpts from Margaret Cho's I'm the One That I Want that should send most Koreans into a terminal blush and get them thinking about American modes of humor, what Americans talk about, as well as how she's probably the most famous American of Korean descent there is, but you don't hear a peep about her here. Chris Rock's a veritable pop sociologist, and his Never Scared concert video goes one further – in his conversation about the difference between being "rich" and "wealthy," he actually channels a new differentiation in sociology between wealth and income that (see Oliver and Shapiro's Black Wealth, White Wealth: A New Perspective on Racial Inequality).

There are a million other examples; I'm just trying to think of a few that might liven up a conversation class or provide some new content for talking about American culture and/or society. For those of you who might actually be teaching literature, I think you know and are probably trying to balance your reading lists already; so I make these suggestions because it's often easier to pull out the ole' Friends disc to get through a lesson. But how about planning ahead and pulling out something else?

Here's to puttin' a different spin on things, ya'll.

Korea – a Good Sport?

(This part of the post is from a few days ago – sorry, been busy.)

Sorry to piss in the Cheerios, but I guess that's what I like to do.

Just read a piece from the Korea Times that chastised the apparently rude behavior of some Korean soccer fans during the Korea-Ghana game, comparing this to the "world-class standards of order, manners and sporting etiquette" allegedly displayed by Korean soccer fans  during the glory days of 2002.

Whaaat?!

I conducted many pre-interviews, as well as some that were recorded on tape, in which I interviewed lots of Fulbright grantees in 2003, who had been placed all over the country and working for 1-2 years in middle and high schools in small towns throughout Korea. This was originally for a documentary I was conducting on the Korean education system, but one of the warm-up questions was actually "What was it like being an American living in Korea?" and "What were you doing during the (2002) World Cup?"

The answers surprised me.

Many respondents, without me prodding them or even expecting this answer, were quite negative about the World Cup and their experiences during 2002. Many people expressed great frustration and even anger at the way many Korean soccer fans behaved during the matches, especially whenever the US was playing.

One person who attended the US-Poland game (I hope memory serves correctly) talked about how people threw trash and even cans at obviously foreign types rooting for the US, with people breaking into inpromptu choruses of "Fucking U.S.A." and beating traditional gaenggari (a small gong) while yelling curses in English.

The banner in front reads "(I) hate America." The kids are shooting at targets such as President Bush's face. While I have nothing but harsh words for Bush, activities such as these – many schools, led by rabidly xenophobic organizations such as the Korean Teachers' Unions – offered such "educational activities" for kids.

Another guy – a very thoughtful guy who had been on his third year in Korea and in Pohang, to boot – expressed a great deal of sadness at being made to feel like it might be better to stay in during one of the US games. Intrigued, I started asking people who would know the street best and are excellent objective guides to what's going on out there – taxi drivers.

They relayed to me the fact that a lot of drivers – he included himself in this – were trying to make an extra effort to pick up foreigners because many drivers were refusing to, on top of the fact that he had heard across his radio and from other drivers that there were incidents of Koreans assaulting foreigners. When deliberately asking other taxi drivers whether they had heard something similar, many drivers reported that they had.

Anecdotally, I also heard of several incidents myself with foreigners being attacked. Naturally, such stories would never be reported in a Korean newspaper, so they essentially "didn't happen." Given my experience with being constantly verbally and sometimes physically harassed on subways – especially during late 2002 and early 2003 – I am not surprised. Of course, several Korean American fellow researchers I knew at the time did the standard "liberal" left-wing knee-jerk thing and said I was "exaggerating" or "imagining things."

Ooook. Yeah, the guys yelling obscenities in my face were all figments of my imagination. And I guess it's a coincidence that almost all of the several times in recent memory that I've been called "nigger" happened in late 2002 and 2003. Oh, and there was the time when we were walking through Shinchon with some ETA's in 2003 and about to walk into a building when one member of our party was attacked by a Korean university student with a metal folding chair and sent to the hospital. And then there was one extremely nice guy – another Fulbright ETA who I could never imagine in my wildest dreams picking a fight – who got jumped outside a Korean night club by several thuggish guys and got two front teeth knocked out. Luckily, the Fulbright grant's health insurance covered assault and battery.

Whew. Come on. Korean fans are not very much of a good sport when it comes to losing, especially to everyone's favorite-country-to-hate. Again, I don't care if certain Korean folks hate on the US. I just don't want my ass whipped for the sins of not-my-Great-White-Father in the White House. I voted for the other guy and then when the rest of the country elected his stupid ass, I did my patriotic duty – I can't look at that man on TV without wanting to commit acts of violence – and got the fuck outta dodge. So why do I have to live in fear of being beat up for my passport?

I guess the only fair thing to do would be for the families of people with spinal-cord injuries to beat up any Koreans they see, since everyone is morally responsible for everything their country and/or countrymen do.

OK – I'm in a bad mood and I'm being bitchy. Sue me. But I do think it's a stretch to call Koreans "world-class" examples of the "good sport."

And Korean sports announcers have the gall to brag and playa-hate on Germans for not being as "fervent" in 2006 as Koreans were back in 2002? (Thanks, Pass and Cross.) She passed along this little gem:

"Well, the Germans have learned a lot from us in terms of collective cheering, but we could see people getting drunk on the streets as they were cheering. Clearly shows that WE are ahead of the game when it comes to cheering."

Jigga-WHAT!?!

Ummm, although it's a dubious point of distinction, Germans are the agreed-upon masters of "collective cheering" in world history. "Sieg, Heil!" anyone? Throngs of teeming humanity moving in undulating waves across huge plazas in the 1936 Nuremberg NSDAP party rally and the Berlin Olympics? Das Volk, nigga! Ya'll betta recognize!

Dude. Dude. Here's a point in which "Korean pride" mixes with pure, insensitive stupidity that makes me actually embarrassed for Korean folks sometimes. And when I read another report expressing apparent disappointment with Germans' apparently lukewarm reactions to Koreans' overwrought and sometimes actually frightening expressions of sports nationalism, I guess no one gave much thought to why most Germans might feel...well...uncomfortable with actual, deep-felt, fervent nationalism expressed in people screaming and crying and veritably humming with emotion.

As Chris Rock once said in a recent comedy concert, that kind of nationalist behavior, as in the cases of certain people acting a fool in the United States after the WTC bombings, has "got a little German on it!" Perhaps that's what causes some Germans to be a little more reserved than Koreans seem to want? Who knows. At least something like that might have occurred to somebody before Korean television announcers start bragging about how they got them Krauts beat at they own game.

Grrrr. Actually, this whole World Cup bullshit, the commercialism, the superficial sports nationalism, and the whole heaping helpings of hypocrisies they cover up all put me in a pissy mood.

Aw, what the hell. Maybe I should just give in and go along.

"Dae ~~ han min guk!"

Clap-clap clap-clap clap!

Go Red Devils!

To Kill a Mosquito

Thanks, Marmot, for giving me postworthy inspiration.

Take a quick look at his post on a homemade trap for the scourge of the Korean summer – the dreaded mogi (Korean for mosquito). He follows the instructions of some smart Taiwanese kid's science experiment, to be followed by a report as to his version's effectiveness.

But instead of "모기잡는통" (Mosquito Catcher), do you think "모기학살기" (Mosquito Mass Murder Machine) might be better? Or perhaps that might be better applied to this machine below, were it ever marketed in Korea. I personally think the latter name might more aptly describe its functioning.

Well, apparently, the Taiwanese kid's engineering principle works, with the difference being just a matter of efficacy and scale. Meet The Mosquito Mega-Catch.™

Sweet Jesus! What hath God wrought? This Terminator Tank of Terror costs $200 and works on basically the same principle as that being exploited by the young Taiwanese student cum would-be mechanic of mass mosquito murder. One major theory behind how mosquitos track their hosts is that they zero in on our carbon dioxide emitted from our breath. From the company's website:

"Easily the best non-propane unit on the market, the Mega-Catch is virtually maintenance free: just plug it in and turn it on. The trap uses a strip of octenol (to generate a scent that resembles breath), a UV bulb, and flashing LEDs (oscillating frequencies determined to coincide with spectral sensitivities of many mosquitoes). When mosquitoes get close to the trap, the patented airflow system that disperses the attractant sucks the insects inside, where they are collected in a mesh catch bag or a liquid catch pan that is easy and safe to empty. In a USDA suburban test, our trap captured up to 1,200 mosquitoes in a single night and diminished mosquito populations over an entire acre. The LCD can be programmed so the trap operates around the clock or only during peak hours such as mornings and evenings. Energy efficient Mega-Catch uses AC power (60' cord with weatherproof connectors included). A cloth skirt (included) wraps around the trap for proper octenol dispersion and optimal suction. Octenol needs to be replaced after three weeks of use (more available below). Catch bag and liquid catch container (you can use either) are kept behind a lockable door for safety. Comes with a stand, or can be hung from a tree (optimal height is around 3' from ground). Durable all-weather plastic unit comes fully assembled. 16" H x 10 1/2" W x 12" L. (10 lbs.)"

Holy Mosquito Holocaust, Batman! I don't know whether to jump for joy or feel vaguely queasy. I also don't know whether buying a unit that's designed to "diminish mosquito populations over an entire acre" is quite what I need for my two-room officetel, but such a machine should be able to definitely eliminate the few buggers in my place, right? RIGHT?!

Mosquitos make me crazy. In the old Fulbright dorms, where I lived back in 2002, I closed my windows, taped the cracks, never left the door open, keep my bathroom fan running (positive air pressure out means no mosquitos in) and covered the drain hole of my bathroom, while never opening my bathroom door. No mosquitos.

But sometimes one would get in. Or a few. When I lived in Chejudo back in 1994, mosquitos would just be sucking on me all night, to the point where sometimes I wanted to just get naked, spreadeagle on the bed and let 'em have at me, then hope that they'd be sated for the evening and leave me alone.

Still, we should "Never give up! Never surrender!" I feel like the Taiwanese kids puttering away with potions and test tubes and beakers have channeled this spirit and it makes me feel good that people out there are still working on this.

Intensity.

Victory.

And I liiiiiike the fact that there are machines that one commenter on the OhGizmo! site aptly described as looking like the machines Egon invented that the Ghostbusters all had strapped to their backs. Maybe that's why I like it over all the many, many alternative ways to catch and kill a mosquito.

One thing that one might think evolution might have caused to advance more is the flap of the mosquito's wings, but thinking about it – mosquitos are pretty stealthy, until they come right up next to your ear, that is. Maybe the next step will involve nanotechnology and guided missiles that key off of mosquito wing flaps and are launched upon the detection of any pre-programmed pest with wings. Ground-to-air missiles against mosquitos? Yeah!

And just to see some fact imitating fiction, here are some would-be-Ghostbusters who made their own particle beams, a la the movie.

By the time I'm 60, I'm sure there will be things in the world that will look just about that wondrous – and ridiculous.

Brave New World, here we come!