Scribblings of the Metropolitician

Help! I've Been Kookminned! Help!

Horror story!

Yesterday, I took two postal money orders from the US to my local KB to exchange ($1400).

I'd exchanged a money order just a couple months ago, in the main branch at Myeongdong, no problems, right on the spot. I don't remember whether it was a postal money order or not. Didn't know it was a problem, either way.

In any case, yesterday, two guys looked it over, checked it out, I exchanged it, and sent my monthly bundle to the US to cover my bills. They're auto-debited, it's clean and convenient, "just have the money in the account" every month kinda thing. Whew! Bills all done this month! Right?

Wrong.

So just now, I get a call from the local branch saying that it was the "wrong kind of money order" and that they shouldn't have been exchanged. So they've canceled my international wire transfer ("fortunate it didn't go through yet", said the clerk) and are going to automatically debit the rest from my account.

So I tell the guy that no, that wasn't cool, because I'd already sent all my other money to all the people, bills, and crap I gotta do this month – it's not just a matter of balancing the books. That information has totally screwed me, because now I got about $1400 that is suddenly not accounted for in my budget and I've already sent my money, used it. I'm done for the month. What do I get?

A perfunctory "죄송합니다", like the one you get at the Burger King when they run out of chicken tenders. "Sorry. We're all out." Smile with empty stare.

I've been banking in Korea for about than 7 years total, and no crap like this has happened to me. When you exchange crap and get it in cash, like cash on the barrelhead – you don't expect the bank to call and be all "give us the money back."

WTF?!

So whatever, one of my auto-debits comes out tomorrow, and even if I got the money there today, I'll be overdrawn and charged $34. And I've got several more charges scheduled around the second week of the month. $34, $34, $34. And what am I gonna tell BofA? That this Korean bank made a mistake – please don't charge me the overdraft fees? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Anyway, I've got two US postal money orders that should have never been exchanged – thanks, guys – and I'm wondering if they can be used in a bank on the base? I just don't know, either way. So I'm asking.

If it is possible, then could I sign 'em over to you, you give me the cash, and I buy you a big dinner?

Or is that unfeasible or not possible?

Thanks – surely at least somebody out there can at least offer an answer to this question, if not a solution to the problem?

Yeah – I wish I was just able to whisk off and leave my life at times.

But I got bills, baby. And to paraphrase Dave Chappelle:

"That KB, man. They fuckin' up!"

Cue audience applause.

Which reminds me of what I really want to do right now, to return the favor of the Bank Man and his empty apology:

Hehe – Google Ads will never approve my blog now. "Excessive use of profanity" is not allowed on their partner sites. I guess now, I'm "fuckin' up" too.

"Negativity level – RISING. Self...control...weakening..."

ARGH!!!!

Sometimes Dave Chappelle is the only thing that can keep a brutha sane when the Norks are saber-rattling and the bank done fucked up your money.

At least I'm not "Rick James, bitch!"

Whew. Who needs a drink?

"Bloomin' Onion 꽃이 피었습니다"

or "The Rose of Onion Has Bloomed" (a twist on "The Rose of Sharon Has Bloomed", the nationalist best-seller (and really, really bad movie) from the early-1990's that depicted a reunified North and South Korea nuking a US-backed Japan.

Oh, Lord.

Yangpa, you take my breath away.

I enjoyed this to tears. Seriously. Somebody needs to have a sense off humor around here. Sorry to bite, but I've gotta quote this in its entirety. Please – go visit The Yangpa, people! They're always good for some smart laughs.

Horrifying Specter of Fiery Nuclear Apocalypse Ruins Otherwise Pleasant Trip to Outback Steakhouse

Perhaps software engineer and Seoul resident Tad Jenkins could have enjoyed his Bloomin’ Onion a little more if it weren’t for the bloomin’ mushroom cloud that darkened his mind today. While having lunch around noon at Outback Steakhouse, Jenkins found that the news of North Korea’s first successful nuclear test put a damper on what would have been an enjoyable meal.

“I made the plans to have lunch with my girlfriend two days ago. When I heard the news that the North had conducted an underground nuclear test it really made me worried. But I decided to go ahead and go to lunch, because underground nuclear explosions aside, I sure do love those kookaburra wings.

But then as I was eating my Brisbane Caesar salad, I got to thinking about what would happen if a nuclear bomb was ever dropped on Seoul. I mean, can you imagine the devastation? The initial blast would tear through steel buildings like they were made of toothpicks, incinerating people alive and bringing fiery atomic death to anyone in the vicinity. Children playing on playgrounds would be wiped from the earth in a wave of annihilating fire. Flesh would be seared from bone and bone scorched into ash. Millions of souls instantly devoured by the ravenous, howling oblivion as Kali The Great Lord Destructor darkens the sky with ultimate doom and rains stinging poison and hot choking death down on the tiny humans below. Subway cars become pitch-black baking tombs. The streets running out of Seoul are flooded with escaping refugees, hideously burned and screaming, a great tide of pathetic suffering. Women clutching the corpses of their children like broken dolls, wailing. Masses of people naked and bloodied, stripped of every vestige of human dignity, rolling their eyes and bleating like frightened livestock as they flee the burning city. Bodies littering the side of the road like so much garbage to be picked at by dogs in a grim reversal of Korean culinary tradition. Everywhere a dark harvest song sounds as the Grim Reaper swings his scythe freely across the land, gathering his charred bounty, young and old alike. And then as the smoke clears we see wave after wave of faceless, jackbooted North Korean soldiers marching through the blackened rubble, robotic killing machines without human compassion, intent only on capturing what has become a mass grave and turning it into a monument to endless despotism. All happiness is blighted by destruction, all life devoured by death, all humanity entombed in cold totalitarianism.

Basically, worst trip to Outback Steakhouse ever.”

And since I always get the Bloomin' Onion appetizer, I could feel his pain.

I was in tears.

Thanks for a brief respite from the tension, Yangpa!

On "Gallows Humor"

From Wikipedia:

"Gallows humor is humor that makes light of death or other serious matters. It is similar to black comedy but differs in that it is made by the person affected." (Italics mine.)

I am, apparently, a reprehensible human being, insensitive and cruel, getting my jollies by hoping that South Koreans die screaming in a nuclear fireball. I apparently am relishing the day, so I can come out of my bomb shelter and run through the streets, jumping for joy at watching it all "burn, baby, burn!" Yeeeeahhhhhh!

Or...

The people reading that meaning are idiots. Well, I'll temper that a little. For people like Kihyon, I'll let off the hook a bit, because I know one of the biggest cultural differences between Koreans and Americans – in my experience, for you flamers just waiting to accuse me of delving into "cultural essentialism" – has been extreme cynicism, biting sarcasm, and "gallows humor."

What is "gallows humor?" Well, it's when you're in a line of men about to be hanged and just before it's your turn, you say to the guy next to you, "Well, at least we don't have to worry about taxes." In that moment, it's very, very funny, especially if you have nothing more to look forward to than being hanged.

You could dwell on all the things you wanted to do, the girls you wanted to bed, or the places you now know you'll never, ever see. Or you could think about the fact that you'll never have to get a colonoscopy again.

My friends have all been asking me today – remember, I assume my friends actually care if I live or die – if I am planning to use 3000 SPF for the nuclear flash, or if I'm still alive...and when asked what I'm doing, I saw, "trying not to die in a nuclear flash." We all laugh.

But if I actually died, would my friends be like, "Hahahahahahaha," alllll the way home? No. And they don't even live here. They're not in the gallows, but still sympathizing with me. Am I going to yell, "You insensitive pricks! You laugh at the prospect of my death?!" Of course they're not wishing death upon me.

Any fellow American – Cobra? –who would interpret this as such is an oversensitive, whiny girl.

Still, I've noticed that this type of humor isn't very familiar to a lot of Korean folks, right down to the point of it being uncomfortable. Let me just say that when I watched Pulp Fiction here in Korea in 1994 – in the real age-before-sarcasm – people thought I was a madman for laughing – and wincing – and laughing again – my brown little ass off, actually, throughout the scene when Samuel L. Jackson was asking Brett "if they spoke English in 'What'!?!?" and whether "Marsellus Wallace looks like a bitch" before quoting the fictional "Ezekiel 25:17" verse and then riddling him with bullets.

And there are some Americans who still don't like that kind of stuff, nor Quentin's movies.

Hey – to each, their own. But most Americans – young people, at least – did. It's a very American comedy style, and very hard for Koreans to "get" in total. I still think so today, since I have studied the subtitles and seen Korean reactions to that movie many, many times.

And when the Kill Bills came here, the group of Americans I was with were getting mean stares because we were all laughing our asses off at some of the cultural references. "Revenge is a dish best served cold – Old Klingon proverb" leads off the first movie, or consider that amazing scene when Lucy Liu pads down the table and hacks off the mouthy yakuza boss's head with her katana blade, followed by an orgasmic and purposely overdone geyser of arterial blood that shoots straight up into the air.

Totally unrealistic, ridiculous, yet fucking cool – so we were all guffawing in a mixture of glee and shock as she delivered her next lines with a totally situationally inappropriate yet totaly awesome, deadpan delivery:

"I collect your fuckin' head!"

Brilliant.

We were laughing like giddy schoolgirls who had just seen Justin Timberlake pick his nose and eat it when he thought nobody was looking. But the Korean theater wasn't laughing, and we were the assholes. So sue us – we were Americans watching an American movie. We thought it was funny – we laughed. We were glared at and people were snorting and tsk-tsking at us.

Same thing, but worse, when we saw that abomination of a movie, Blade 3. But there was one saving grace to that movie, which was Ryan Reynolds' performance when he was being tortured by the badguy vampires. Me and two other friends were laughing so uncontrallably that I nearly threw up. I couldn't breathe. It was such a surprising, random comedic performance in a movie that otherwise took itself so ridiculously seriously that we didn't know what to do with ourselves.

We couldn't stop, because it was so hilarious. And I didn't have to time to look at the translations – I was just trying to catch my breath. I thought they were gonna throw us out. I think the Korean patrons were tittering, though, because they were really curious as to why we were laughing. But what can you say to the way Reynolds delivers that line:

"I...I...can tell you two things. One...your hairdo...is...ridiculous..."

How can you explain that? That shit is funny. The Korean translation surely is going to be right – that's not hard to get across – but it's about inflection, being cheeky, and the ultimate example of "gallows humor," but with a defiant bite. In a movie with actors speaking in gravelly, foreboding monotones and growling while fighting each other with swords – it was just hilarious.

Now, that being said – do I think the present Korean situation is "hilarious?" No. But my way of kvetching while complaining, while being pretty obviously alarmed, is my way of coping. And "Cobra" – if you weren't so self-centered and caught up in your own definition of the "appropriate" way to react to probably the highest likelihood of war on the peninsula in decades, you'd have read what I said, and felt what I was saying. There is fear and anger in my words, as well as being resolved to being here.

Just like all the rest of the Korean people on the peninsula, with whom my fate lies. I've got a right to my "gallows humor" because I am right here, sitting pretty, if some shit jumps off. It's not "gallows humor" if you're not about to be hanged, too. Then, you're just an asshole making fun of others' misery.

But what, praytell, makes some people think I am, indeed, doing just that – making fun of "others," as a person not part of the group? Ain't I flammable? Combustible? My skin ready to melt off my bones in a nuclear firestorm? Ain't I a man a brother?

Before I even get into that, I'll just say to you, Kihyon, that I'll leave you off the hook to some extent for not "getting" my sarcastic mode, but not for the "go home, foreigner" remarks.

I'm here. I'll die in the same nuclear flash as any other Korean would. I have friends, loved ones, and a life here. I have stuff I'm in the middle of doing, people who depend on me, people I depend upon. Just like any other Joe here making their way through life. Just because I'm a foreigner doesn't mean I am instantly detachable from this place, ready to jump on a plane the moment things get hot. You know, any Korean or YOU yourself could jump on a plane and go to sunny Micronesia, home of the "bikini"?

Oops. There's that gallows humor, again. Damn me!

Why don't you go? For the same reasons I don't.

And that is in the end what makes you – in combination with your previous statements on my site – the racist I originally identified you as. And as much as I talked about cultural differences here, I'm sure there are many other Koreans – I'm 100% sure – engaged in "gallows humor" as well, because what other choice do we have? We live here, and our fates are all tied together.

The only difference is that you assume that I inherently have no affective, material, nor spiritual connection to this place because I am a "foreign body."

But I live here, pay taxes, take the bus, spend money in restaurants, take care of my phone bill every month. What the fuck makes you think I don't have the right to be angry, frightened, or afraid at the prospect of being in a North Korean counterattack? Because I am a "foreigner"?! You think I can just "get on a plane" any time I want, leave it all behind, go start my life without skipping a beat?

Well, yeah, you apparently do.

But just like you, if I had to move, I'd have to pack my shit, sell my furniture, pay my final rent, wait the 3 months allowed landlords to return my $10,000 security deposit, have separate goodbye parties with my former high school students, fellow co-workers, and meet a million personal friends for the last time. I'd have to get rid of my car, cut off my cellphone service, cancel my Internet, notify the gas company to close my account, arrange to have my mail forwarded to my new address, and lastly, arrange to have a job somewhere –

Oh, wait – you probably never thought about this and being a responsible member of society (yes, even foreigners can perform that difficult trick) – because you probably lived with your parents until you got married, at which point your wife became your mother.

Wait – am I making a mean, nasty, stereotypical assumption? Well, I'm just returning the favor.

My point is simple – I, as a single, independent man, despite the fact that I don't have Korean genes, am no more able to "just hop on a plane" than you are. You have a job, a wife, people you love, people who love you. So what's the difference between you and me, besides the fact that I am fat and brown?

If you don't like me or my way of coping with this situation, you should just call me an "asshole" and leave it at that. But you gotta bring up the foreigner thing – of course, that's what comes out, in the end. And Cobra, you wouldn't be saying shit if I weren't a foreigner, either.

I live here. I got a right to say somefin'. If I were sipping on a Pepsi in Kansas, talking out of my ass and snorting about how "South Koreans are finally gonna get what they deserve," then you'd be more right about me being an insensitive prick.

But the flaw in both of your arguments is that I am here; I'm not getting on a plane. And the fact that I'm not going anywhere should be more of a sign that I've got a right to say whatever I want to say without being castigated for not doing exactly what you both know you'd both curse at me for if I did – which is, leave. Because if I did, you know, leave, you know you'd be like, "Fucking asshole. Just dropped and ran."

We're all in the same boat. If you want to both cry like babies and act like we're at a state funeral, fine. But like most Korean folks, actually, I've got a life and shit to do. And Kihyon, by the same logic that makes me apparently ready to hop the next thing smoking off the peninsula, your being Korean prevents you from international travel? Or would your reasons for not being able to leave sound similar to mine?

What a fucking asshole.

(Notice that I didn't say "What a fucking Korean asshole." There's a big difference, you know.)

I'm through playing around and being polite to people who aren't. You wanna get nasty? I can give as good as I get. You wanna discuss and be nice? I will, too.

Whooooo wheee! It's about to get ethnic up in here.

"Indigenous Wisdom"

You gotta love North Korean press releases, though.

"The nuclear test was conducted with indigenous wisdom and technology 100 percent. It marks a historic event as it greatly encouraged and pleased the KPA (Korean People's Army) and people that have wished to have powerful self-reliant defense capability," KCNA reported." (quoted from CNN.com)

I have always loved the bombastic, revolutionary tone of the KCNA.

I just hope we don't become a "sea of fire", as the Norks promised if the US or, I assume the UN, since they see it as basically the bitch-boy of the US, and hey, aren't too far off the mark) ever attacks.

And to all those student protestors I remember talking about "Our race SHOULD get the nuclear bomb! It will be a pride for the Korean race!"

If Seoul goes up in a nuclear fireball as a response to a US/UN attack on nuclear facilities in Nortk Korea, I'll be thinking of you.

For probably the second or so between seeing the flash and the fireball emanating from ground zero at the Korean Defense Ministry/Yongsan 8th Army Base that will incinerate me, my building, and everything for a couple miles. I might get a few more seconds if I'm in eastern Seoul for the day, where my eardrums will be blown out by the pressure wave before the building I'm gets blown into rubble.

"We are one people" may be right, but don't mistake that for North Korea not being able to turn the South into a bloody mess. They did it before. Will they do it again? Sure, it's hard for South Koreans to imagine dropping their Pradas and Playstations in the event of an attack, or thinking critically about the fact that the North has been effectively holding the South as a nuclear hostage to get food, aid, and investment money, but from a starving country's perspective, which feels as if the world is out to get it (and they're not too wrong about that, either), is it so unimaginable?

Personally, I don't consider someone with a gun to my head demanding food, money, and a helicopter on the roof a business partner, investment interest, or friend. And even if I'm related to that guy, he's still a crazy mothafucka for putting a gun to my head.

And now he's fired a test shot!!!

But rest easy, folks – from the ample data collected from the last time nukes were used on civilian populations – Hiroshima and Nagasaki – Seoul is very similar to the latter city, in that it is quite hilly and mountainous. Depending on where you are, you might avoid the heat flash and direct blast wave completely, escaping to enjoy your hair falling out and dying of radiation poisoning. sparing that, you might even get away with just being sterile or being able to produce deformed offspring.

Man, I wish I was back in Chejudo, chilling, like I was in the mid-90's. At least then, I'd have had time to pack my bags, pack the cats up, write a few emails, mull over which valuable electronics to put in my carryon bag, take a shower, brush my teeth, and made sure to do Mr. Poopy before picking up my boarding pass to get on the plane that would get me the sam fuck off the peninsula – wait, I'd already be off it! – before the real war starts.

Seoul will be either shellacked into rubble with artillery or, alternatively (and with more flair and flash) nuked into oblivion. In any case, it'd all be over in a day. It's a crap shoot, like all life is.

I'm just gonna go on living, hoping I don't die today. Which is what we do every day, right? So today might be sunny and uneventful, I might die in a nuclear flash, or get hit by a car. Who knows? I'll just leave it up to fate, since I've got shit to do.

And yeah, you're gonna say, "Metropolitician, you're being so negative!"

Well, any news that significantly increases my chances of being instantly vaporized, merely incinerated, or just crushed to death under tons of rubble is news that I find pretty fucking negative.

But anyway, as I said, I've got shit to do. Peace.

Seriously.

Peace.

"Game, Over, Dude! Game Over!"

Well, it's happened – maybe. Gonna wait for confirmation on that.

And Korea Times – it's after 1PM – embarrassing, dudes.

.

"You Have Twenty Seconds to Comply!"

Judgement Day is getting closer.

North Korean nuclear tests on the 10th of October. Automated military sentry robots. They even want to let the military robots run on an "electronic detection and control network."

As I've already kvetched about this in a previous post about Korean robots and an apocalyptic Judgment Day that is in the coming, hasn't anyone watched the frickin' Terminator?!?! Did they not feel humbled byt the scary liquid-heavy-metal-fuzzy-logic-robotronic-guy impersonating John Conner's mamma before kicking Ah-nold's cybernetic ass? What the hell are these people thinking?!?!?! Skynet?! Hello?!

Oh, and now Korea gets to set the precedents for that corporate board room scene in Robocop, coming soon on a darkly-lit alleyway near you:

Watch this clip on YouTube first!

Now, since the Korean defense industry and other military types are going to actually BUILD such a robot for military and "urban pacification" purposes, just imagine being the first unsuspecting Joe to discover a "glitch," dramatized at the end of this post. But first, my favorites from the above news report:

"The Intelligent Surveillance and Guard Robot is unique because it is the first of its kind to have surveillance, tracking, firing and voice recognition systems built into a single unit," the deputy minister said. Suppressive fire can be provided by the K-3 machine gun built on top of the robot."

Wow! "Suppressive fire?" Like in Aliens?

"Lee said besides the hundreds of robots that can be deployed along the 248km-long demilitarized zone, they may be placed along Korea's very long coast line and critical areas like air fields.

He said the robot with modifications could be used to guard civilian installations like airports, dams, power stations and pipelines.

Yoo Myung-ho, the principle research engineer at Samsung Techwin said the robot has both regular visual and infrared detection capability that can distinguish humans from cars or trees at 2 kilometers in the daytime and 1 kilometer at night. It can also detect moving objects out to 4 kilometers in the daytime and half that distance at night.

The engineer said the robot can challenge a person who comes within 10 meters and give warning if its detects an intruder."

Yeah! Hopefully it won't be a "challenge" such as "You have 20 seconds to comply!" followed by "suppressive fire" from the "K-3 machine gun built on top of the robot."

"Suppressive fire against intruders" and "voice-recognition systems." Oh, my!

Well, I just love the fact that my life may be left up to the decision of a robot (probably running a stripped-down version of Windoze, no less) that the designers are actually bragging about being able to "distinguish humans from cars or trees." Oooh, fancy that!

Obviously, technology is only as good as the humans who create it – which means "imperfect." And hey, since Korea's really learning a lot from its balls-to-the-walls, anything-goes-in-the-name-of science-and-development foibles of recent days (Hwang Woo Seok, anyone?) – I just hope they plan to stick all languages on board that thing, for when some non-Korean takes the wrong turn outside the back gate of a power plant or other sensitive installation, they may get the Ultimate Listening Comprehension Test™:

ROBOT: 무기를 버려라!

FOREIGN DUDE: Huh?

ROBOT: 이십초의 여유를 주겠다!

FOREIGN DUDE: Huh?!

ROBOT: 이제 십오초 남았다!

FOREIGN DUDE: Huh?

ROBOT: 넌 형법 백십삼조 구항을 어기고 있다!

FOREIGN DUDE: Huh?

ROBOT: 이제 오초 남았다!

FOREIGN DUDE: Huh?

ROBOT: 사, 삼, 이, 일...

FOREIGN DUDE: Huh?

ROBOT: 이제 물리적 힘을 가할 권리 를 갖는다!

FOREIGN DUDE: Oh, shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!

Brush up on that Korean, fellow foreign types.

Your life may one day depend on it.

(Review above YouTube clip for English translation.)

Mental Marker for Future Blog Post: "Why Hongdae Is Amazing"

I keep getting flak for my cranky, anti-Hongdae post, written when I was working a couple years ago in a place that made my and my whole life, well...cranky.

I love Hongdae more for the things that is has now, as opposed to some of the things it has lost since I last loved it, back in the mid-1990's.

The clubs are all commercial, although some of them are cool. They weren't like that back in the day, and they certainly didn't ask foreign men to pay double the entry fee. So that stuff was all helping to put me in a bad mood back then.

Anyway, there's several reasons why Hongdae's gone back in my good book, which I won't get into here. Let me just say that they all boil down to the meta-reason of Hongdae being one of the few places in the world where you can get your groove on until the sun comes up, have a cocktail, or oxtail soup and soju anytime you want. There are good looking people, a lot of poseurs, mixed in with some truly unique souls and funky characters.

It's a mixed bag, baby, and I like it. Mikey likes it!

Hehe.

So seriously – I am not as down on the place as that post might lead ya'll to believe. But since I don't like to take down posts, leaving them up there as the closest thing to a diary as I'll ever get, I'll just leave that as a record of a different Metropolitician.

For me, Hongdae means, colors, laughter, movement, sex, drinking, darkness, happiness, danger.

I'm glad I've been able to find a way to realize that again. I guess Hongdae's maturing, diversifying, becoming more difficult to describe as a single entity. I'll just say that it's stupid to "hate Hongdae," since there's no single, monolithic thing to even characterize the place as.

Once Again, The Suits on Top Fuck It All Up

You know the strange object that now stands in Cheonggyecheon? The one commissioned to an artist who had visited Korea once in 1996 and made that kinda random-looking plum-and-vanilla ice cream cone thingie? Here's the logic the Seoul city government apparently used (from the Korea Times):

"We expect that the sculpture by the famous artist will enhance the international status of Chonggyechon stream and increase the number of foreign visitors to Seoul,’’ [said city representative.]

When will The Korean Suits learn that no Western tourist will ever give two craps more about Korea because some "famous artist" made some random piece.

No one will every buy more plane tickets and come traveling to see a Technicolor™ snail (well, if it's the Cirque du Soleil snail, maybe). It will not "enhance the international status of the Cheonggyecheon stream" because streams don't have international statuses, foo'!

It's a stream. It's not a waterfall, raging rapids, or tropical paradise. And it's an artificial stream. It's cool enough and looks nice; you can take a date there or drink some makkoli under a bridge. It's a legendary case to Urban Studies wonks and the city deserves some kudos for trying to put some nature back into the nurture.

But art decisions should be left to artists, not ajussis in suits. Because if there's one thing ajussis in suit know nothing about, it's foreigners and what's floating around their heads.

Ajussis in suits who run Arirang TV, Seoul Magazine, and other pappy brochures for tourists, take note: Foreigners who have lived here longer than a month don't need to be constantly reminded of the "charms of Insadong" or "the beauty of Kyongbuk Palace" or "the wonders of the Yongin Folk Village."

Similarly, no foreigners are going to get on a plane because of even Korea's and oldest palaces – sheesh, I'd go to China for royal shit in red – let alone a strangely phallic, post-modern snail in the middle of a downtown. There are no "international statuses" here being affected by giant ice-cream cone snails.

Seoul City Government – want to raise Korea's "international status?" Here's a list of far more effective things to do:

– Allow foreigners to buy cellphones. Come on! "Hub of Asia?" Please. Korea wants to be a hub, and you can't even get a cellie in your own name? Whatever!

– Make a public awareness campaign to stop people from verbally and physically harassing foreigners in public. Remember that embarrassing "Smile at foreigners" campaign just before the 2002 World Cup? Well, this is something like that, but less stupid.

– Regulate the hagwon system and create a real mechanism to enforce contract violations against foreign teachers working here as employees.

Anyway, enough griping. This is not even as ridiculous as the City Government talking about "redeveloping" Insadong by building shopping malls there.

Or take the city's ongoing destruction of historic (and tasty) Pimatgol – the alleyway parallel to Jongno that runs from the Kyobo Bookstore to...well...used to run all the way down to nearly Tapkol Park – when I went into the huge "model house" on the site where they're building a huge apartment building now, the representative actually had the nerve to tell me that "Pimatgol isn't being destroyed, but is going to be preserved as an underground food court alley."

Jiggawhat?

Just say it's being destroyed and we're "moving on" – don't try to tell me that it's being "preserved" by being turned into a Coex-type, glass-and-steel strip with a neon sign that says "Pimatgol" under the street that the real one – with it's fish roasting on the street and old ladies stirring odiferous pots of cheongukjang – used to be.

Grr. Anyway, it's not like anyone will remember.

This is the same city that wanted to remove all the street stalls in the city during the World Cup 2002 because foreigners would "think Korea was dirty." Idiots.

These are the same idiots who actually spent money on that "Smile Korea" campaign – "Smile for the white man, yes!" – or put the President of the Republic into a tourist commercial, where he got to embarrass himself by shilling for tourists.

Who is thinking all this stuff up? Someone needs to find him and put him out to pasture, because he's doing more to make Korea look like a desperate-for-dollars-and-recognition  nation with an inferiority complex than anything else.

Wait – or is that actually an inaccurate assessment?

Hmm.