OK – I've changed my loyalties. Obama's cool, but it's time to get old school, since new school ain't doing it right. It's time to bring back Jimmy Carter. Or so says The Onion, in a raunchy and hilarious piece penned by "Jimmy Carter," who says "I Got What America Needs Right Here."
Some highlights:
Way I see it, America needs a president who's gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fucking environment, and—boom!—restore dignity, honor, and all that shit to these United States.
Whoa there, Jimmy! Those are pretty strong words. But we're all for restoring the honor and dignity of the United States, right? On questions related to the Middle East, he has some more harsh words:
You actually seem to think one a' these assholes is gonna prance in and wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you, sitting there like a common fucking schnook and eating all their bull about bi-fucking-partisanship, and how they have all the goddamn answers. Let me tell you something: These fags are dogshit compared to Jimmy fucking Carter, all right? I was arbitrating Mideast crises when this bunch was still sucking on their mamas' titties.
But who comes to me, huh? Fucking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the fuck could he know about peace in the Middle East? It's not like he fucking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that shit. You myopic pricks. Back in '79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful—I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best fucking suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of shit? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.
Yikes! That's some pretty strong trash talking, but yes, yes – he did write the book on brokering peace in the Middle East. But what about a new school problem such as global warming and controlling them greenhouse gases? Get ready for it:
Oh, what's that I hear? The weather's all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-fucking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your shit at night to conserve energy in 19-fuckin'-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we'd all switched to solar power like I fucking did back when we had a fucking chance to do something about it. Think we'd still be sucking Saudi Arabia's dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as fuck didn't get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the shit from me and now he's the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich.
Well, he can lick my asshole right after George W. Bush, that fuck.
Golly! Is this really Jimmy C? That's some tongue on that man of peace and negotiation. Who knew? Read the entire piece on your own, if you have the moxie.
Hehe. The Onion. Once again, I choked on my breakfast when I read that. Cool.
